Looks like I'm leaving...

Ever since I came back home from leaving Pakistan - I've wanted to go back. The pregnancy sure came as a surprise but it definitely was a welcomed surprise. The strange thing is that it never has felt like "home" now that I'm back where it has always been my home. I told my Mom shortly after my arrival back that it just doesn't feel like "home" to me here. She would tell me that it's just an adjustment being back here and it'll start to feel more like home soon. Well, many weeks have gone by and it still doesn't feel that way. I know it's because Shakil is at the home we were trying to make for ourselves in Pakistan and I left it all to come back here - which I regret.

Originally when I left Pakistan I just wanted to come back here for a visit - just a couple of months and then I'd return. I never expected to find out that I was pregnant just 1 week after arriving back here. So that seem to put a hault to my plans to go back. I took another week or so to kind of sort things out and clear my head and then I headed back to my old job (the one I had before leaving to Pakistan) to see if they had anything available. I contacted my boss via email to let her know I had returned. She contacted me quickly and then before you know it I'm starting back to work in 3 days.

The drive to my office is very long. I spend about 2 hours on the highway 5 days a week. The traffic is bumper to bumper most of the way and I'm not driving a very reliable car right now. I had a brand new Mitsubishi Eclipse convertible before I left to Pak - but I sold it. So now I'm driving Shakil's car that is a bit older. But hey - no car pymts! I'm not knockin' it. Last week I was driving to work and the car start vibrating profusely and sort of veering me off the highway. It just scared me to death. It was as if I had no control of the car. I never even made it into work that day. $200 later and a new axle it's all better. The mechanic did say that the left one is on its way out too. *sigh* But hey...no car pymt! :-)

I think I mentioned in a previous post about how they are slowly starting to add more onto me at work and it just seems to be getting worse. Plus all the gals in the office resent me which is not fun working environment for me. One day they all ordered out some lunch and not a single one of them gals asked me if I wanted anything - not that I did because I had brought my lunch, but still ya know? That's just not right. If I tell me boss about it, she'll just say to take it up with them about the resentment and that's only going to make things worse in my opinion. So I've just gone into work everyday, done my job and gone home. The stress of this job is really starting to take its toll on me and I've been ready to leave it.

I'm in a bind though now. I need the insurance of this job which doesn't even go into effect until the end of Sept. If I leave this job and look for something else - not many people will hire someone that is pregnant. I'm sure they'd go for someone who is not pregnant. So I've felt kind of stuck at this job that is slowly taking me over the top. The pressures, the deadlines, etc., etc. I blame myself for going back to this job - I should have known better, they did this shit before. But you just hope that maybe after being gone for 6 mos that things might change a bit - not the case. Same 'ol same 'ol.

Over the past couple of days Shakil and I have been discussing me returning to Pakistan. I don't know when he and I have discussed something so extensively. We have decided that financially we think it's better for me to return to Pakistan. It's so hard to not have your hubby with you while your pregnant. He's going to miss out on so much here and I don't want him to - he feels that he's already missing out. There are many advantages of me going to Pakistan one of which I don't have to work there and I'll actually be able to relax. I'm working over 40 hours at my current job and I honestly don't know how I've done it with all the exhaustion I've had with this first trimester. I don't have any worries while I'm in Pakistan. Yes, now in terms of delivering there - I am nervous about that. Shakil has assured me that I will be fully taken care of and he knows of a very good hospital that is new.

Now, I do have to tell my Mom that I'm leaving. She doesn't know yet. One day last week when I was crying because I felt that there was so much pressure on me and feeling the effects of everything I told her that there was a decision to be made. She asked, "are you thinking of going back to Pakistan?" I told her yes. I then proceeded to tell her that I have no worries there, everything is done for me and I can actually sit back and relax during this pregnancy instead of working my ass off. She said she understood. I'm hoping that it goes better than I'm thinking when I tell her. I hate that I have to leave again but I want to be with my husband more than anything right now. I miss him so much.

Until later...

Bye for now.