Looks like I'm leaving...

Ever since I came back home from leaving Pakistan - I've wanted to go back. The pregnancy sure came as a surprise but it definitely was a welcomed surprise. The strange thing is that it never has felt like "home" now that I'm back where it has always been my home. I told my Mom shortly after my arrival back that it just doesn't feel like "home" to me here. She would tell me that it's just an adjustment being back here and it'll start to feel more like home soon. Well, many weeks have gone by and it still doesn't feel that way. I know it's because Shakil is at the home we were trying to make for ourselves in Pakistan and I left it all to come back here - which I regret.

Originally when I left Pakistan I just wanted to come back here for a visit - just a couple of months and then I'd return. I never expected to find out that I was pregnant just 1 week after arriving back here. So that seem to put a hault to my plans to go back. I took another week or so to kind of sort things out and clear my head and then I headed back to my old job (the one I had before leaving to Pakistan) to see if they had anything available. I contacted my boss via email to let her know I had returned. She contacted me quickly and then before you know it I'm starting back to work in 3 days.

The drive to my office is very long. I spend about 2 hours on the highway 5 days a week. The traffic is bumper to bumper most of the way and I'm not driving a very reliable car right now. I had a brand new Mitsubishi Eclipse convertible before I left to Pak - but I sold it. So now I'm driving Shakil's car that is a bit older. But hey - no car pymts! I'm not knockin' it. Last week I was driving to work and the car start vibrating profusely and sort of veering me off the highway. It just scared me to death. It was as if I had no control of the car. I never even made it into work that day. $200 later and a new axle it's all better. The mechanic did say that the left one is on its way out too. *sigh* But hey...no car pymt! :-)

I think I mentioned in a previous post about how they are slowly starting to add more onto me at work and it just seems to be getting worse. Plus all the gals in the office resent me which is not fun working environment for me. One day they all ordered out some lunch and not a single one of them gals asked me if I wanted anything - not that I did because I had brought my lunch, but still ya know? That's just not right. If I tell me boss about it, she'll just say to take it up with them about the resentment and that's only going to make things worse in my opinion. So I've just gone into work everyday, done my job and gone home. The stress of this job is really starting to take its toll on me and I've been ready to leave it.

I'm in a bind though now. I need the insurance of this job which doesn't even go into effect until the end of Sept. If I leave this job and look for something else - not many people will hire someone that is pregnant. I'm sure they'd go for someone who is not pregnant. So I've felt kind of stuck at this job that is slowly taking me over the top. The pressures, the deadlines, etc., etc. I blame myself for going back to this job - I should have known better, they did this shit before. But you just hope that maybe after being gone for 6 mos that things might change a bit - not the case. Same 'ol same 'ol.

Over the past couple of days Shakil and I have been discussing me returning to Pakistan. I don't know when he and I have discussed something so extensively. We have decided that financially we think it's better for me to return to Pakistan. It's so hard to not have your hubby with you while your pregnant. He's going to miss out on so much here and I don't want him to - he feels that he's already missing out. There are many advantages of me going to Pakistan one of which I don't have to work there and I'll actually be able to relax. I'm working over 40 hours at my current job and I honestly don't know how I've done it with all the exhaustion I've had with this first trimester. I don't have any worries while I'm in Pakistan. Yes, now in terms of delivering there - I am nervous about that. Shakil has assured me that I will be fully taken care of and he knows of a very good hospital that is new.

Now, I do have to tell my Mom that I'm leaving. She doesn't know yet. One day last week when I was crying because I felt that there was so much pressure on me and feeling the effects of everything I told her that there was a decision to be made. She asked, "are you thinking of going back to Pakistan?" I told her yes. I then proceeded to tell her that I have no worries there, everything is done for me and I can actually sit back and relax during this pregnancy instead of working my ass off. She said she understood. I'm hoping that it goes better than I'm thinking when I tell her. I hate that I have to leave again but I want to be with my husband more than anything right now. I miss him so much.

Until later...

Bye for now.

Another week gone by...

Man was I ready for the weekend. I had what felt to be a very long week but heck every week seems long to me without Shakil here. I'm still having quite a bit of exhaustion and I'm assuming it's because I'm still in my 1st trimester - 2 more weeks left of it though. I wake up every day a little after 5:15 a.m. and I'm out the door to the office no later than 6:45 a.m. I don't make it to work until about 7:30 a.m. That drive is really wearing on my nerves. Going home is even worse with bumper to bumper traffic.

I'm staying extra busy at work and at times I feel it's good for me because it keeps my mind off things or I'd like to think that it does. I'm entering 15K + charges for just 1 doc on Monday's and Wednesday's and that comes with quite a bit of pressure and a big deadline for them. Thank goodness I'm still pretty speedy with them even after my 6 month stretch of being gone to Pakistan. There is this one chick that works with me and she's about 47 yrs old and acts as if she is in her early 20's. She gets on my last nerve something fierce. I think she is feeling some resentment towards me because some things were taken from her in terms of responsibility and put on me. She is so helpful to the other chick that works with us but never opts to help me out at all. She just gives me some attitude. I can see that she and I are gonna 'throw down' pretty soon. I don't know how much more I can tolerate her mouth!

Had my 2nd OB appt today. I'm 10 weeks as of yesterday. Everything seems to be going just fine. My labs came back great and no antibodies are present with my Rh negative blood type. For those of you who are not familiar with Rh negative, I had a miscarriage in January of 2002 and since I was Rh negative my OB had to give me an injection that is called RhoGam. According to what I've been told the babies blood and my blood crossed therefore it triggers my body to create antibodies. So after I had my D&C my OB gave me the RhoGam injection that prevents my body from creating these antibodies. So when I first found I was pregnant this time around, I got in to see my OB asap to make sure there were no antibodies present that would fight off my unborn baby. I will have another injection at 28 weeks during this pregnancy and then another one at delivery. If Shakil's bloodtype would have been negative as well I wouldn't need injections but unfortunately he's positive like most people. I'm AB negative and he's AB positive. Go figure! :-)

Until later...

Bye for now.

1 month gone by...

One month has gone by since I returned back to the U.S. from Pakistan but more importantly it is one month since I've seen Shakil. I look back over the past month and so many things have happened but it just seems like forever since I've seen him. We found out last week that Shakil will in fact have to file the I-601 waiver. This waiver takes 5 to 6 months to process. From what I've seen online based on timelines, most are done within 5 months. I do have the letter of hardship to go along with the waiver and I'll be mailing that out to Shakil next week. I also have a letter from my OB that states that I'm pregnant. The Embassy won't just take my word for it that I'm pregnant. The Embassy has already been notified that I'm pregnant and that I need Shakil back here with me. I just know in my heart that he'll get back here in time for the delivery. This is our first baby and I don't want him to miss a thing - but unfortunately he will miss some.

Last week at work was quite busy and it's really taking it's toll on me with the stress. I was so excited going back to my old job that I left to go to Pakistan. They are a great group of docs and my boss is good too. The part that bothers me is that when she hired me back, she told me that I'd be in a less stressful position with no deadlines. Hmmm...just 1 week - not even a week being back there, I'm back doing what I was doing before with mega stress and deadlines. I just don't get it - why did she not tell me that to begin with?? They also are already planning for my maternity leave and I'm only 2 1/2 months pregnant. I hope I'm never that way where my life just revolves around work all the damn time. My boss is just so career driven - which is fine if that is what you wanna do but that's not me. Her little girl just used to cry and cry when she left it at daycare and that makes me sad. I want to be able to be home with my baby. Right now I get home after 6 p.m. and if I had a newborn at home waiting for me then I'd have about 2 hours top with it a day (not counting weekends). The prob will be when Shakil comes back to the states. He can't work for 3 months (has to wait for employment auth). Many challenges ahead of us still.

Tomorrow is Sunday and my last day to relax before the week ahead. My best bud Steph wants to go for a swim tomorrow - we shall see. I went today to one of the largest outdoor flea markets in the area and had a really nice time. I got a beautiful pink comforter set that came with curtains to match. All for dirt cheap. It even has matching throw pillows and stuff. Stayed for a couple of hours and then it became so hot. Gotta love that Texas heat! ;-)

Until later...

Bye for now.

My best friend in her wedding dress!

This is Steph - my best friend in her wedding dress. Her wedding is August 26, 2005. We are just so excited but having a hell of time finding shoes to match it. The dress is ivory with the champagne trim. I've been on her ass with "you just had to have ivory/champagne"!! :-)

Enjoying the weekend!

On Friday's I get off work at 2:30 p.m. which is soooo nice. Our docs stop seeing patients at noon - we have lunch and then it's just about time to go home. I really like it that way for Friday's. We do start a bit earlier but that's what enables us to get off early - no complaints outta me!

So I got off work and drove home which now by the way is about a 45 minute drive home. Ughh!! Lately I've just been exhausted by the time I get home - pregnant or not. My Mom had told me that there was a marriage reception that we needed to attend so I decided to go. It was for my Mom's first cousin's son who got his girlfriend pregnant and they got married. Yep, realllllllll proud of that! HA - right!!

We got home after 9 p.m. and I could barely keep my eyes open but just went on to bed, watched t.v. and dozed off after 11 p.m. sometime.

Bright and early this morning my friend Steph called me wanting to go to the pool for a while. So I did and the pool was so nice and relaxing. We didn't stay very long because I wasn't up for baking in the sun. I've already got a little one baking in my tummy and that's all the baking that's going to go on. I did get a little sun but nothing major.

My friend Steph is getting married August 26th and she's been having a hell of 'a time trying to find shoes for her wedding dress. She went with an ivory dress (basically looks white but up against white you can tell it's ivory) and champagne trim. The dress is pretty but hard to find matching shoes. We've been all over looking. We went to Nordstrom's, Foley's, Dillards and many other places. We did go to this one boutique that has fabulous shoes and she found one pair but unfortunately her soon to be hubby is not that tall (5'6) and she is 5'6 without heels and she doesn't want to tower over him.

After some shoe shopping we went for ice cream at Marble Slab. Oh yum! It was damn good! I've been home for a couple of hours now and haven't done much. Just relaxing and more relaxing because I get zero during the week. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. That makes me miss Pakistan because I got plenty of relaxing and sleep there.

Until later...

Bye for now.

My Childhood

I was tagged by Dawn with this...

Here are the rules to this meme game: Remove the blog at #1 from the following list and bump every one up one place; add your blog's name in the #5 spot; link to each of the other blogs for the desired cross pollination effect.
1. Liza
2. Marie
3. Sandy
4. Dawn
5. Tara

Next: select new friends to add to the pollen count. **No one is obligated to participate & anyone else can play**. If you've already been tagged by this one, sorry! :)

I tag....
1. Colleen
2. Molly
3. Elena

What 5 things do you miss about your childhood?

1. Sleepovers
When I was a young girl I used to go to sleepovers and have sleepovers as well. A close group of girls and I would just get together at someones house. We'd rent some scary movies, munch on all sorts of not so healthy snacks (but that was part of the fun, right?) We'd stay up all night chatting about who likes what guy, etc., call boys on the phone and chat. We had a blast.
2. Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor
A group of gals and I would go there every weekend and more so during the summer. Back then, the heat never bothered us and we'd just have to ride every single ride. So much fun. Hurricane Harbor was where we would go to get our great tans. We'd spend the entire day out there just baking in the sun - rarely did we even do any rides, etc. Yep, I was a nut back then - still am. :-)
3. My Dad
My childhood makes me think about my Dad. I had blogged about him not too long ago. He was just a wonderful man and I remember all of the good times. I have some wonderful memories.
4. School
Yep, I said it - I miss school. I loved going to school and being around all my close friends. I loved the excitement of the next year and what teacher I'd have and who was in my class. Good times.
5. Summer vacations
Of course I loved summer vacations. No worries and no school (oops I just said I missed school) well hey we needed a break ya know. Just getting together with friends and family during those months was a blast. Always dreaded going back to school after the summer break.

Just needing to vent...

As I sit here at the computer reading e-mails that Shakil has sent over the past few days, I just start to cry. I went back to my bed and laid down and of course did some more crying. I don't know if it's just the emotions that go along with pregnancy that make this worse but damn, I miss him so much!! I need him so much right now and I can't even have him here with me and there is no sign of when. Last week I emailed the Embassy a nice long email about the situation and informed them that I am in fact pregnant now. You'd THINK I'd get some sort of response - but no. Nothing, nothing at all. I will email them again. I hate to be ignored.

It's all I can do to keep myself here in the U.S. Everyday I just want to run back to Shakil. He's my husband and we are supposed to be together during this time and anytime for that matter. Do I regret leaving Pakistan? Yes, more than you could possibly imagine. I never thought I'd say that, but it's true. I need his comfort, reassurance and support now more than ever. He gives me all of that via internet chat or phone but I need his touch and the hugs that he would give me and he would tell me that everything is going to be ok.

I honestly don't know what to do. I know some of you are thinking "go back to Pakistan". I just wish it was that easy for me. My Mom and I are so very close and she has basically forbidden me to go back. I know it's out of concern and love for me but I'm 29 years old and this is my husband and unborn child we are talking about. Don't I have the right to go and be with him if I choose to? I know she's worried about how it would be like for me to deliver in Pak. I'm very unsure about that myself. I don't know a U.S. citizen who has delivered over there. So if any of you who are reading this do know of someone who has gone through prenatal care and delivery in Pakistan - could you please put me in contact with them. I would love some insight on all of it.

Shakil assures me that I would have the best care in Pakistan and I believe him. I'm just nervous and I don't know what the right thing for me to do is. I can't imagine spending the rest of this pregnancy (which I have 7 more mos to go God willing) without him and the possibility of him not being here for the delivery just kills me.

Until later...

Bye for now.